atonement of sorts
by whizz
Summary: jacob/bella; when not getting the picture-perfect ending, he decided to make something out of what was left. but he never once stopped loving her, even when his life got a new meaning.


**book/movie; **Twilight  
**pairing; **Jacob/Bella (kind-of-not-really Edward/Bella, Jacob/Renesmee)  
**warnings; **spoilers up to book four  
**disclaimer; **I do not own Twilight or any of the characters used.

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It's everything she's been waiting for for the past _never-ending _months, the moment that makes it worth all the heartbreak, the tears, the breakdowns, the stitched up shell she became.

There he is; her personal miracle, the better half of herself, her Prince Charming, complete with the shining armor and the white stallion (if only she were a princess).

"Edward", she whispers, and relishes in the fact that it momentarily slipped her mind that his hearing probably can pick up her unsure voice, even from here.

He's standing beneath the blinding sunshine, marble-skin glimmering and perfect, pale bruise-blue bags beneath each golden eye, and there's something, like the dull spark of wistfulness getting stuck in the toffee-lined orbs before growing into a radiating warmth her heart recognizes before her brain registers the warm feeling in her gut.

The nervousness is gone, the anxiety feels as if it wasn't there in the first place, and an eternity of struggling to keep her insides together blows away with the wind to be replaced with a blossoming, full-fledged happiness that almost knocks her off of her feet. 

But for once - only once in her life, her steps are steady and headstrong, very much unlike the usual awkwardness that graces her movements, and she smashes into his strong body, tears already slipping from her snuff-brown eyes.

There's a moment of anguishing hesitation, the fear of rejection loading the air, but half a second later, his impenetrable arms encircle her lithe waist and she feels safe, out of harm's reach.

However, despite the perfection of this one moment, she can feel the piercing of bottomless eyes at her neck, even miles and miles away.

It's a stab of a feeling she can't name, managing to break through her bubble of joy, and she turns around without giving it much thought, an almost mechanical reaction.

There is no flash of stark white teeth against mahogany skin, however, no secret depth exchanged with blistering dark eyes among the many faces of the crowd, clad in various crimson robes.

Bella turns back again, back to the coolness of Edward's skin that has never been more welcome, just in time for her to capture the rumble of words whispered in her ear.

She's no princess, but she certainly has been asleep for a very, very long time, and the haunting kiss of this beautiful creature was all it took to awake her frozen insides again, color reaching into her monochrome vision once more.

Bella dismisses the feeling of distinct nostalgia, however, the large sun-kissed hands that helped stitching her useless heart back together when no one else could just a memory when compared to the strength of the moment she's experiencing right now.

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It's awfully ironic, the way the tangle of things end up - ironic in the bittersweet way, blood and tears and laughter and everything in between as the complex story is scribbled down onto the very last, trembling pages (with the subtly concealed but nonetheless unsatisfied question of _what happens now_?).

Jacob looks at Renesmee, really looks at her, and the fragments of his smashed-to-tiny-bits-heart flutters each time her eyes, the shade of dark chocolate and coffee beans and _Bella _flicker to his.

He loves her. Loves her with his entire being; with his overgrown half-man, half-beast body; with his almost-heart, and the love just keeps swelling and spreading and growing, circulating with the steady pumping of his blood.

She's amazing, mesmerizing, her smile is brighter than a million suns to come and he has to suck a deep breath in whenever she meets his gaze with her own curious, intelligent one; the very same gaze that captured him over Rosalie's shoulder all that time ago.

Renesmee sighs like she's the happiest girl on earth as he kisses her for the very first time beneath an orange-hued sky and in the middle of Alice's carefully planted dahlias, the scent of fresh grass and the flavor of the hot cocoa she had for breakfast heavy in his senses. Jacob cradles her face ever so gently, big tanned hand pressing softly against rose-tinted cheeks, embracing her with a feather-light touch that hints the fear of accidentally breaking her.

He finds her tentative kiss very sweet, and when she shyly lifts her small hands to rest against his shoulder blades with a pressure he barely feels, everything seems serene and too right.

However, she seems much too precious; saccharine and sunshine in her smiling face, long lashes brushing porcelain, slightly shimmering skin and bouncing curls at the small of her back. He is reminded of just how fragile she is each time he swallows her thin fingers with his own, clumsy hand.

"Jacob, why won't you hold me?" she asks, nothing but sincere interest in her voice.

He has to take deep breaths for a minute or two after that - he has gotten better at controlling his werewolf-temper, but some things never change.

Never.

After that, she doesn't ask again. She is unsatisfied with his brief brushes of skin on skin, with the holding hands and occasional hug, and he can tell; he has not once kissed her since the time when seeds were sprouting in the glittering garden of Cullen residence. But Renesmee remains silent and understanding, telling him with the quirk of her lips that everything's fine, that she can be patient - just as he has been for the past years. _Years.._

It's not fine. But he loves her as much as what is both humanly and inhumanly possible, loves her with every raging fiber in his body, loves her as deeply as the sky is un-ending.

But then Bella steps out of the house to join them on the bench bathing in sunshine, her movements graceful and precise, and Jacob is reminded of how wrong the shade of pale in Renesmee's smooth skin is, how off the bronzed hair seems in contrast to her abysmal eyes, how her laughter isn't that familiar bubbling in the back of a slender throat, how elegant her body language is as opposed to a spontaneous and painfully familiar one.

Bella smiles, and it's like witnessing something strikingly intimate.

"What are you guys doing?" she asks.

_Breaking. Hurting. Reminiscing. Hurting. Thinking. Huting. Regretting. Hurting.._

"Hanging out, mom", Renesmee answers for both of them, and continues with a subtle undertone, "just the two of us, you know?"

"Oh. Well, I won't disturb then", Bella grins, and it takes Jacob light years back to beach walks and summer nights and an innocence he didn't appreciate at the time. He finds he has lost the ability to speak.

Because of course it's a lie. Of course there's no happiness to be found for him. There's only endless amounts of pain - all of their pain, his and Bella's and Edward's and Renesmee's - all of it transferred to Jacob's broad shoulders because everyone else is busy living their happily ever after. 

He loves Renesmee. Loves her truly, loves her with intensity, loves her enough to give his life up for her. Loves her because she is the strongest connection to Bella he has, loves her because she's the stardust to savour of his own could-have-been's, loves her because she's been inside of Bella's stomach just as he has been inside of Bella's head, in the way only soulmates can be.

Loves her because she is Bella's, loves her like he breathes, protects, exists for anything that has even the smallest association to Bella.

Loves her in a way that fades in comparison to how he loves Bella that it is almost tragic no one will ever know.

He watches as she leaves, pacing purposefully towards the open arms of her waiting husband, and Jacob tears his gaze away with utmost strength from the scene to watch the girl beside him, those copies of eyes instantly there, watching.

He smiles like he means it and leans in to brush his lips against her swan-like throat momentarily.

Jacob vows for what may be the hundredth time to protect this precious, precious person that has become his life because he loves her-

(loves _Bella_)

-and because he never did succeed in keeping that very same promise the first time around.

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**A/N; **i have always loved the Jacob/Bella relationship, because there is something so human and bittersweet about it; just so much to speculate about. frankly, i was quite put-off by the ending of breaking dawn, because it was like all the feelings and the pain and the closeness Jacob & Bella were experiencing disappeared just like that, and suddenly he had imprinted on Bella's.. daughter. it just seemed so weird to me, you know? since their relationship affected me the most, and since i was astonished by the fact that Jacob's love was soooo strong. haha. i'm such a nerd.

now, this story doesn't cover all i wanted to fit in, but i think i'll elaborate everything in some other, perhaps multi-chaptered fic. hope you enjoy!


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